How do you keep hope?

How do you keep hope when you don’t know if it will ever happen?

Lately I have been struggling and asking myself that very question. All of these years and still no answers. Why can’t we get pregnant? When we first started trying to get pregnant, we had SO much hope. We thought it would happen right away. When we first started doing fertility treatments and medication to boost the chances of getting pregnant, we thought it would happen right away. When we started seeing a reproductive endocrinologist who gave us so much hope, we thought it would happen and the thought of miscarriage didn’t even cross our minds. After we lost Beau, we started trying to get pregnant again, we thought it would happen right away. We had the septum removed, we thought it would happen right away. But, it didn’t.

How do you stay hopeful after 8 and a half years? Not even that, how do you stay happy when your heart hurts so much? Being a mom has been the one thing I have wanted to be my whole life. Being a dad is something Kory has wanted to be for so long. You imagine what your babies would look like. You dream about raising your children, taking family vacations, and watching them grow up. That all seems so far away from reality. We watch that dream fade farther and farther away. Why is it so hard to have a baby? Why is it so expensive to do fertility treatments, IVF, Surrogacy? Adoption… thats expensive too. It shouldn’t be so hard.

November came and went. I met with the doctor for a telehealth video call. We talked about where we are at post surgery. I mentioned that we are still trying. He asked that we set up an appointment to come in the office for a hysteroscopy. He talked about the possibility of Ashermans Syndrome. That is scar tissue that grows inside the uterus. It was definitely a possibility after the septum removal surgery. Well we needed to wait for another cycle to begin before we could do this appointment. They want it completed before you are in your fertile window and ovulation. We set up the appointment for December 1st as I was predicted to get my next period around Thanksgiving.

In November we received a message from a dear friend who works for The Samuels Group. She reached out to me and said her company does a 10 days of giving around Thanksgiving to different organizations in the area. They wanted to donate in memory of Beau. We have plans to donate items again to the NICU with the money that was given to us. We are so grateful for Megan at the Samuels Group and for Kafka Granite LLC for the generous donation and helping us keep Beau's legacy alive by donating items in memory of him. Stay tuned for updates! Thank you again.

Thanksgiving day. The day that people express what they are thankful for. Kory and I really have so much to be thankful for, but this day is still hard. We miss our son, Beau. We got together with both of our families and had a really nice day. Then I got my period, on Thanksgiving night and I lost it. I cried, I got mad, and cried some more.

December 1st, we headed to Green Bay for our afternoon appointment with Dr. Coussons. We got all set up in one of the exam rooms and checked in with the nurse. She had been talking to the doctor and decided they wanted to have us go in the ultrasound room for the procedure instead. We got all set up for the hysteroscopy. If you have ever had one done, you all know they are not comfortable. My ob here in town won’t even do them unless you are sedated. The hysteroscopy is done like a pap procedure, but it takes longer. They insert a scope with a camera on the end of it, it goes inside of your uterus. They also are pushing fluid through another catheter in to your uterus. The ultrasound tech used the wand over my stomach to guide the doctor while he was scoping in my uterus. He said the uterine cavity was clear and there was no signs of Ashermans Syndrome. Thank goodness. He then wanted to check that my right tube was still open. They did a vaginal ultrasound with the catheter still inserted. OUCH. Good news they saw fluid going in to my abdomen so he said my right tube was still open. We finished the procedure and he talked about the septum. He said there is still a small flat septum at the top of my uterus that measures 6mm, but it shouldn’t cause any issues with getting pregnant. He mentioned that once we are pregnant it could cause a higher chance of miscarriage and pre term labor again. The larger septum that was lower in my uterus is gone though and hopefully the chances of that happening are slim. Dr. Coussons wants us to keep trying on our own for a couple more months, he is positive that it will happen for us. I sat there and said, “But are you sure? Are you sure you don’t want to have us start doing the next step?” His response was not yet. Now he said we will call him when we get a positive pregnancy test and then we will schedule a blood draw and ultrasound right away. The chances of an ectopic pregnancy are higher after having the transabdominal cerclage placed. So an ultrasound would be done right after finding out you are pregnant to make sure that the baby is in the correct spot. Dr. C then says, “When you call the clinic, they are going to say I RESIGNED.” Excuse me, what? My eyes instantly filled with tears and I looked at Kory with a look of absolute devastation and fear. Kory said, WHAT? The doctor explained to us that he loves what he does, he loves helping couples deal with fertility issues, he loves doing the surgeries. He just does not want to deliver babies any longer. The clinic he was working for would not renew his contract if he wouldn't deliver babies. I looked at him and told him how special he was to both Kory and I. We finally found a doctor that would listen to us and was willing to help us get pregnant and now what. He told me that we will be able to find him again, and he would like to keep working with us. When he left the room, I could hear Kory talking to the nurse when I was changing in the other room. Kory asked her if he was starting his own practice and sure enough, he was. His nurse gave us his cell phone number and told us to reach out to them when we wanted to set up our next appointment whether we are pregnant or looking for the next steps in our journey.

We left the appointment feeling very, very hopeful. They say you are extra fertile after doing an exam like we just had done. It basically cleans everything out, because of the saline that was pushed through. We thought that it was going to be our month. What a wonderful Christmas present that would be. Kory even had that extra bit of hope. Of course he hopes that we will get pregnant every month, but this month was different. He even counted the days and told me what my due date would be if we got pregnant this month. Maybe he was right? All the signs are telling us that things are going to work this time. The dreaded 2 week wait. The time after ovulation and when your period is due. You convince yourself that you are pregnant. You start getting symptoms and track everything. Is it early pregnancy signs or signs of your period coming. Then you tell yourself, don’t test early. Well, well, well… that is way easier said then done when you are trying to have a baby. You start testing at 9 or 10 days past ovulation. You look at the test and don’t see a second line. Maybe its too early. You keep the test though, and you check that test not once, twice, but probably every hour and see if a second line has magically shown up. You look forward to the next day when you can take a new test, and start the whole process over of checking that test every hour. Each day that passes and you don’t see that second line, you still tell yourself maybe its still too early. The week of Christmas I got my period. Another month of no baby. We picked ourselves up, put on a happy face and celebrated Christmas anyway, even with a hurting heart. Our time will come, we will try again next month.

Hello 2022. It doesn’t seem real that it has already been 3 years since we got pregnant with Beau. Time really goes by so quickly. Each new year that comes, brings a whole new level of sadness and wonder. You should be excited for new beginnings and a new year to make new goals. All I see with a new year is, we will be another year older and still don’t have a family of our own. When do you stop trying? How can you stop trying though, when its the one thing you want more then anything in this world. You would do anything to see your husband become a father and watch him be a dad to your babies. I DREAM about those days. I feel like we have been on this infertility roller coaster for forever. The truth is, we have. We got married and started trying to have babies right away. It will be 9 years this year. Infertility has robbed so much from us. The amount of times we have had to say “No, sorry we can’t” to going on vacations, weekends away, and so much more is unfair. We have to save every penny we can because who knows if we will have to do more fertility treatments. The treatments that are NOT covered by insurance. The treatments that we have to pay out of pocket and most of the time you pay before you can even start. The treatments that aren’t guaranteed, but you have to pay for them anyway.

January, a new month to try again. This is going to be our month. I can just feel it. We had the hysteroscopy done. Everything was clear. Maybe last month I was ovulating on the left side, my ovary that has no fallopian tube. Timing it all out, and testing for positive ovulation. You reach your peak ovulation and now its the waiting game again. Counting down the days and feeling symptoms. Googling “9 days past ovulation symptoms” and “9 days past ovulation pregnancy tests”. I started testing on day 9 in the morning. I couldn’t believe my eyes, I saw the faintest, like barely there second line on my test. Oh my gosh, I rubbed my stomach and asked myself is this really it? I started planning how I would tell Kory in my head. I kept checking that test, and yes it was SO faint, but I still saw it. I decided to take another test that evening, and I couldn’t really see that second line anymore. I went from extremely hopeful and excited to oh no, it didn’t actually work…again. I tested again the next morning and could see the softest shadow of a second line. I had bought this pack of tests off of amazon and wondered maybe if it was a faulty pack. (Such a cruel thing for an infertile couple). I got more tests from Target. 11 days past ovulation, I took another test and then had to go to work that morning. I came home to check the test and didn’t see anything. Then I got my period. Early. I had a 25 day cycle. A whirlwind of a month. The emotions that come with feeling hopeful at the beginning of the new cycle, getting a possible faint positive, to not seeing a second line, to getting your period early. Walking out of the bathroom and telling Kory with tears in my eyes that I got my period. Showing him the tests that I saw a faint line, and he saw them too. I was defeated, I was SO MAD. I got angry, I cried a lot of tears, I screamed and just needed to “check out” for a day. It’s not fair. Why does this have to be so hard?

My heart has been so heavy this last month. It does not help living in Wisconsin and the weather has been so cold. It doesn’t help not being able to get outside and get some fresh air. It doesn’t help that 75% of the time it is cloudy outside, and I thrive off of sunshine and warm weather. What is next for us? We are going to keep trying on our own for 1 more month. If it doesn’t happen this cycle, then we will contact the doctor in Green Bay again. Then we will come up with our next plan, whether that be trying medication or doing IVF again, we really don’t know. Some days I wish I could just ask God, will it ever be our turn? I wish I had an answer. I watch time go by so quickly and how we have spent the last almost 9 years focusing on trying to have a baby. Infertility is so mentally exhausting, and physical draining. Our hearts are tired.

Back to my first question. How do you keep hope when you don’t know if it will ever happen? You keep hope because you know you will do whatever it takes to have a family. You keep hope because you have seen miracles happen. You keep hope because through all the hard moments, there are a lot of good days and mini celebrations to be thankful for. You keep hope because you have a tribe of people rooting and praying for you. You keep hope because we have gotten pregnant before. You keep hope because we know our little boy in heaven is cheering us on. We know that Beau will send us his sibling when the time is right. You keep hope because God is in control and we have that constant feeling it’s not our time to stop trying.

Not every day or month is easy, but there is so much left for us to accomplish. We also know that it is okay to have those hard days, or weeks or months. We know that we will pick ourselves up and keep moving forward. For now, we try to stay positive and keep praying for a miracle and God to answer our prayers. All in his timing. To all of you, thank you for the continued support and extra prayers and reaching out and asking us how we are doing. Some days it’s that small little gesture that we may need the most. So, thank you. It truly keeps us going.

All our love,

Haylee and Kory

Seasons Are Changing. Looking For Answers.