Seasons Are Changing. Looking For Answers.

I started writing this blog post August 9th and it has taken me over 2 months to complete it. Life gets busy, things happen, but I am getting back to writing more. Its very therapeutic to write it all down. So here it goes….

I often sit and wonder why God has put us through so much. I cry for the moments that we dream of. Kory and I celebrated 8 years of marriage in July. When I look back on the last 8 years, a lot of it was filled with love but there was also so much heartbreak. It really just feels so unfair sometimes.

We have spent a little over 8 years trying to have babies and to create a family of our own. It might not seem like that long to some, but to us…. thats a really freaking long time. We have watched family and friends have their first babies, then their second and so on. Of course we are so incredibly happy for those that do get to experience the miracle of bringing a baby in to this world. Deep down, our hearts hurt. We are filled with doubt, worry and fear. We wonder, “Will it ever be our turn?”.

2 years ago, it was our turn. We did get to experience the over joyous feeling of being pregnant. Seeing those 2 pink lines on a test. We didn’t even have to squint at the test, we actually had 2 pink lines. Something that had never happened on its own. We got to have ultrasounds and see our baby. We got to feel baby move and kick from inside my belly. We purchased a crib, painted the nursery. Then it all went dark. Our whole world got turned upside down. We delivered our miracle way too early. We spent 8 days in the nicu, soaking in every moment with Beau. Then our world completely stopped spinning. Everything went pitch black. Our baby boy took his last breaths in my arms.

To walk this earth with out your child is hard. Some days putting on a brave face and telling yourself, “I can do this” is hard. Grief sneaks up on you when you least expect it. Walking this earth with out your child is just plain unfair.

Well where are we at now? I know that it has been a couple months since I have updated. Honestly the summer months just seem to fly by and we try to enjoy as much of it is as we can. Living in Wisconsin we get maybe 3 really nice months to enjoy the weather.

We last saw Dr. Coussons in Green Bay at the end of June. We had finished 2 months of birth control after surgery to strengthen my uterus. When we went for our follow up appointment, we were scheduled for an ultrasound and then a meeting with the doctor. During the scan the ultrasound tech was taking pictures of my uterus and she said, “Wow, your uterus is beautiful.”. I took a quick glance at Kory and said well I am pretty sure I have never heard anyone tell me that before. That was such a great thing to hear. We met with Dr. C right after the ultrasound. The doctor came in and said our scans looked great and everything looked healed from the ultrasound and the cerclage also looked good. He asked us what our plans were as far as trying to get pregnant. We both said as soon as we get the all clear then we would like to start trying. He said, “Well I am giving you the all clear.” Music to our ears. We were told to try on our own for 3-4 months and if we don’t get pregnant then to get in touch with him and we will figure out the next steps.

We left the appointment feeling very optimistic and hopeful. Maybe this will be “our time”. Maybe, just maybe infertility won’t strike again. Maybe God is listening to all of our prayers and will send us a baby.

June…not pregnant. Okay well thats alright. Maybe I was ovulating on the left side, the side that I don’t have a fallopian tube. My cycle was normal though, I had a 27 day cycle. Thats a step in the right direction. We will try again next month.

Here comes July. A bittersweet month. The end of the month I would be turning 32. Did I ever imagine, I would be 32 and still trying to have a child? Absolutely not. I thought by now we would have 2, 3 maybe 4 children. Trying to find the positive, but those lingering thoughts and comments still eat away at me. “You are over 30, your eggs are diminishing.” “Wow, you don’t have kids yet?” “It’ll happen, just stop trying.”.

July brought a lot of extra added stress and sadness. Stress doesn’t help when you are trying to have a baby. Our 13 year old cat passed away 2 days after my birthday. We had to make the heart wrenching decision to put him to sleep. We found out a month earlier, he had a tumor growing on his back and they told us to give him as much love as we could and that we would know when it was time. Ricky was my first baby. We found him as a stray when he was only a couple weeks old. Ricky was there through everything, he always knew his cuddles would fix everything. This brought a lot of unexpected ptsd. I know its different then watching your human child pass in your arms, but in a way its the same. Ricky was passing away in my arms and there was nothing I could do to help him and make him better. I held him and told him it was okay. We told him to go find his brother Beau in heaven and that they both get to live pain free together.

I got my period. Not pregnant again. It’s okay, right? So it didn’t happen the first 2 cycles of trying. We will keep trying. August is here. This would be a great month to find out if we are pregnant. It would be as if Beau would be sending us a gift from heaven for his birthday.

We celebrated Beau’s 2nd birthday on August 6th. We went and visited him at the cemetery. We went for pizza with our families and had birthday cake for him. Some friends of ours dropped off a beautiful wind chime for Beau.We were also sent a special birthday candle from a dear friend that we lit when we got home later that night. Oh how we wish just for a moment it was all a dream. That Beau was still here and could celebrate his birthday with all of us.

I got my period the day after Beau’s birthday. It’s still okay though, right?. Tears were shed, emotions are high, but it’s going to be okay.

Beau’s angel week is here. We remember the 8 short days our little boy was here with us on earth. Last year for his angel day we did a fundraiser to raise money for the Aspirus NICU. We made 14 comfort bags for families in the nicu. We also raised money for our church, Saint Andrew Lutheran Church. We spent a full year meeting with the faith formation group at church planning a special area in the church for children. August 13th we got to debut the “Rainbeau Corner”. We had an open house at church where kids got to come and enjoy all the play equipment, have root beer floats, listen to a story, and just get to play. To have a children’s area that has so much love poured into it is so special to Kory and I. We think about the years to come and how our future children will get to play in this area and know that it is named after their brother Beau is heart warming. We can not thank you all enough for helping us make this happen.

August 14th, its here again. I don’t think I slept the whole night, just like the year before and the night he passed. I kept checking the time and would remember exactly what we were doing at that moment 2 years before. Remembering the doctor walking though the doors and telling us there was nothing more they could do for our son. Remembering walking in to Beau’s room and seeing him lay there as the nurses started to cry with us. Remembering Kory run out of the room to go throw up. Remembering baptizing Beau with pastor Jenn. My mom arrived, my sister, Korys parents, and finally my dad. Singing songs, praying, crying, silence, and repeat. Holding Beau, watching him be held by all of his family as they said their goodbyes. Admiring his tiny little feet, long fingers, his beautiful eyelashes, and head full of hair. Watching him open his eyes as his daddy was holding him. Seeing his color fade from his skin. Crying, so many tears as the doctor checked his little heart one last time and nodded his head and said he was gone. Taking the tubes, wires, and cords off of him. Holding our baby wrapped in a blanket, in shock. Laying on the couch with Beau on my chest, and Kory and I were laying head to head. We both fell asleep for a short time before the next round of nurses came in to check on us and cry tears with us. Picking out what outfits we would have him wear for his pictures. Watching Beau get his first bath and how gentle they were with him. Having the photographer come and take pictures, trying to smile through all of the shock and tears…..This was our reality, our baby boy was gone. It seems like just yesterday. It may have been 2 years ago, but that night is forever engraved in my memory and I will never forget it.

Kory and I spent the day out at the cemetery. It is so peaceful where we have Beau buried. The cemetery is right on the river and our spot is back away from the road and close to the hill leading to the water. We stopped and grabbed lunch to bring out there with us. We had a picnic with Beau. Kory brought his fishing pole and spent the afternoon fishing. I laid on the blanket by Beau and worked on stuff for my dance teaching job. We had some visitors and just had a really nice day. It was what our hearts needed, just calm and peace. We ended the night with Korys siblings for his brothers birthday. We sent lanterns to heaven for Beau. For some reason the 2nd angel day really hit hard mentally though. His first angel day we celebrated our sweet boy with so many people. This year it was just the two of us.

September is right around the corner. We had a trip planned to Virginia for my cousin Ashleys wedding over Labor Day weekend. Kory and I took a road trip, 14 hours later we made it to our destination. I packed a pregnancy test and was hoping that I could find out good news on our trip. Well I didn’t even have a chance to take the test, I got my period as soon as we checked in to our hotel. Cycle 3 of no pregnancy. We had a wonderful trip regardless of getting my period. I had the honor of doing Ashley’s hair for her big day. The wedding was beautiful. We even had a little sign from Beau. He sent a small rainbow in the sky, we know it was his way of saying hello. We got to visit with family that we haven’t gotten to see in 2 years. Time went by too quick, and we had to say our goodbyes.

Kory turned 35 on September 6th. We had just gotten home from our trip, but still celebrated with family. We spent the day out on the pontoon and had everyone over for dinner after. 35, woah. When did that happen. I first met Kory when he was just about to turn 23. Many mixed emotions come with birthdays and getting older. All those dreams that have yet to be accomplished.

September was a busy month. I went back to teaching dance for our new year. It is always fun to get back into a routine and to get to see all the kids again. The first week of dance brought an unexpected little accident. I ended up breaking my nose and getting 2 stitches. Total accident, I just had my face in the wrong place at the wrong time. A week later, I had surgery to pop the bone in my nose back in place. The day of surgery they had me do a pregnancy test. The nurse that was getting me prepped was asking me questions about if I have any children. I had to tell her that I do, but he passed away. That question is one that will make my heart sink every single time. I told her that I was secretly hoping she was going to come back and tell me the pregnancy test was positive. I told her that we struggled with infertility. She told me that she so wishes she had good news to tell me as well. She said she even took a couple looks to see if she could see any faint lines. We chalked it up to be that it was still “too early”. The nurse asked me, “How do you do it? How do you keep your smile and stay so positive.” I told her that we have too. We have no other choice then to stay hopeful and keep praying that God has a plan for us. That we will get to see our son again one day. In the meantime, I am here to help others who struggle, helps others go through child loss and yet keep my faith in God. She was so calming and easy to talk too. She told me one day when we have our baby to come back and say hello, that she can’t wait to see our dreams come true. To say I have made it over 30 years with out ever breaking a bone is quite an accomplishment. Kory and I just said to add it to the list of things that have happened in my thirties.

We ended September with yet another period. Turns out it wasn’t just “too early”. Cycle 4 of no pregnancy. Why isn’t it happening? Time to contact the doctor.

Welcome October, we will try again this month. I had sent out an email to Dr. C in Green Bay to set up an appointment to figure out what we are going to do next. I heard back from the nurse and he was pretty booked out. We have a telehealth appointment set up for November 3rd. In the mean time we will try again this month. I am still taking all my natural supplements and added extra fertility ones in to the mix. Ended the month of October by sadly getting my period again.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. A month that no parent wants to be a part of. That 1 in 4 statistic. We remember all the babies who are no longer here. The babies that were never born, but gone too soon. The babies who were born, but couldn’t stay. The babies who were born sleeping and woke up in the arms of Jesus. My heart is always heavier this month. I remember our 3 babies. Our first IVF baby who we lost to a miscarriage. Our second IVF baby who we lost to a cervical ectopic and miscarried. Our sweet boy, Beau who was here but couldn’t stay. October 15th was the “Wave Of Light”. People from all over the world light a candle in their time zone at 7pm for 1 hour, creating a wave of light in remembrance of all the babies gone too soon. Such an emotional yet beautiful tribute to all of our babies. I was working when it began, but brought my candle with me to work. Kory had our other candle lit at home and I got to join him for the last little bit.

All in all, I am exhausted. I have good days, great days and just some days that I don’t feel like getting out of bed. Days that I cry, scream and get angry. My mind gets tired of all the unknowns. Korys mind gets tired of the unknowns. Infertility is mentally and physically draining. It takes the fun out of “trying” to have a baby. Every month taking pregnancy tests and seeing 1 line. Telling yourself oh maybe its too early. Planning out this pregnancy as if you are already pregnant. Planning out how I would tell Kory, our families and friends. Hoping and praying that my period just won’t show up for once. It happened once before, it has to happen again. Every single month. You know what is really unfair? We can’t just “go and make a baby”. We did the surgery, we did the treatments, we are taking the supplements, we don’t smoke, I barely drink, I work out to stay healthy. SO WHY ISN’T IT HAPPENING?

I know that there is a plan for us. We might not know what that is right now. We might not even ever know. For right now though, we just keep trying. We aren’t giving up. I am so blessed to have Kory in my life. I know I say it often, but I truly am so thankful for him. He reminds me on the daily that we can’t give up, and we will try again. He reminds me that no matter what we have each other, we will never stop loving each other, we are a team, and that is never going to change.

Always know if you too are going through a hard season of life, you are stronger then you think. You can do hard things. Don’t ever give up on your dreams. Please know you can reach out to either of us if you ever need to talk, or just looking for some extra prayers.

Kory and I extend our thankfulness to you all. All of you who continue to check on us, say extra prayers and just continue to cheer us on. It means more then you know, and keeps us going.

All Our Love,

Haylee and Kory