It’s Been Awhile…Reflection
It’s been awhile since I have put out a blog. There have been so many times I say, “Oh I want to blog about that”, and somehow time would get away and I never did. I have so many thoughts and topics that I want to write about… summer, Beau’s 1st birthday, Beau’s angel day, fundraiser, our headstone, where we are at in our fertility journey, and so much more. I will get back on track and start writing again more.
How are we already in September. Where did the summer go? I find myself starting to get that seasonal anxiety feeling. The shift in energy, colder temperatures, days are getting shorter and it all brings up a whole different flood of emotions.
In July I turned 31. I am now not just “Thirty” I am actually in my “Thirties”. Well that happened quick. Did I think my life was going to be this way at 31? Not exactly. 10 years ago if you were to have asked me what I pictured life would be like now, I think it would have been a little different. I imagined being married, having 2 or 3 kids, my children would be best friends with their cousins, and so much more. Well some of those are true. I am happily married to Kory, we celebrated our 7 year wedding Anniversary this last July. I do have children, just not here with me. My nieces and nephews still talk about Beau as if he were here. It’s just the reality of how life is now compared to what I thought it would be that is so hard to understand.
I know that God has a plan. Bigger then we can ever imagine. We were given this life for a reason. Are there days when I cry and wish I could change so many things? The answer is yes. Are there days when I cry and am so grateful for what we do have? The answer is also, yes. God created this life for us and I am going to keep on living it.
Grief is hard, it sneaks up on you when you least expect it. It is so true when they say “Your grieving will never go way”. I still cry, I still get really angry and question why. I am able to put on my brave face most days and get through each day, but in reality a lot of the days are hard. I really miss my baby. I wish that I could bring him back. I replay his short life with us over and over in my head. All the things that I wish we could have done differently. It just isn’t fair. Why did our baby have to die? Why do Kory and I have to struggle with infertility? Why did it take us five and a half years to get pregnant with Beau and then God took him back? Why can’t we just get pregnant again when we want too? All the questions and we might not ever find out the answers.
Right now Kory and I are trying to focus on the future. We are focusing on trying to create a healthier lifestyle for the both of us. In April we both started going to Symmetry Natural Health and are both taking natural vitamins and supplements. Supplements for our overall health, and fertility. We have been focusing on eating healthier, and working out. My mindset is trying to create the healthiest version of myself so I can support future babies. If being healthier is something we can control in our journey, then we will do what we can to make that happen.
My heart has been extra heavy this last week and a half. There was a lot of sad news recently in our community. I have seen so many families receiving news about one of their loved ones getting cancer. Nobody should ever have to hear those words. Children especially should not get cancer. Children should not die from cancer. I grieve with the families who have also lost their babies. My heart goes out to the families who have received unimaginable news recently. I pray with the families who are also trying to conceive and get another negative pregnancy test. I pray for positive news for our friends who are doing fertility treatments.
Please remember you are never alone. We are truly so blessed to have such supportive family and friends through all of our chapters of life. Reach out if you need to talk, vent or just need an extra prayer for your family. We are all in this together.
Much more to come…
All Our Love,
Haylee and Kory