My Heart Hurts

My heart hurts. My heart is aching. My heart is crying. There are days where I feel like things are starting to get easier, then something reminds me of Beau and I cry all over again.

Mothers day is coming up. I spent 5 years in tears over mothers day, while we went through countless fertility treatments. 2019 I got to celebrate. We had just told the world days before mothers day that we were expecting our Rainbow Baby who was due in November. I was a mother who finally got to feel the love from that day, knowing I had a tiny baby growing inside of me. Now 2020 is here and I am left feeling heartbroken. I still don’t get to celebrate with a baby in my arms. All of my babies are in heaven.

I feel like we are back to the beginning. Trying to start a family. No success. Yes we know, “It will happen”. Do you know how hard that is to hear over and over again, when in reality we don’t know if it will happen. I can NOT just get pregnant. Yes we did get pregnant on our own once, by the grace of God, he sent us just what we needed, our beautiful baby boy. We have faith that when the time is right God will send us another child. It is so hard to wait though and trust his plan, when all you want is a baby here on earth.

My heart is just sad. This week I have spent a lot of time in tears. They are not all sad tears. I have cried for the outpouring of love we receive from all of you. The generosity and kindness from so many who love our baby Beau. The numerous continued prayers for strength and healing. I cry because our baby would have been 9 months old this week. Not sure how it has been 9 months already, and yet my heart still has a hard time believing he was here and is really gone.

I cry for the unknown. I cry for the future I don’t have yet. Don’t get me wrong, I have so many incredible things in my life to be thankful for.. I have a roof over my head. I have a wonderful husband who I adore more then anything. I have a family who is supportive of everything that we do. I have many nieces and nephews, who I love like they were my own. I have a job, Kory has a job. I have my fur-babies who bring so much joy into our lives. I have the best friends who check in on us, they go and visit Beau, and constantly send us prayers.

Grief is hard. It is something I don’t actually think you can ever get over. Have I become a stronger person because of my grieving? Absolutely! I am able to get out of bed every day and keep pushing forward. Some days do I feel like staying in bed and being sad? Absolutely! Guess what, that too is okay. I am alive, I am human and trying the best that I can each and every day.

Lastly, hug your babies. Hug them so tight and don’t let go. Remind your babies how much you love them. I wish I had 5 more minutes with Beau. 5 minutes to kiss his sweet forehead. 5 minutes to admire his dark brown hair. 5 minutes to hold him and tell him again just how much we love him, and how proud of him we are.

Thank you all for the love, support and prayers.

All My Love,

Haylee