Holiday Heartbreak

Walking through Target the other day, I happened to find myself wandering through the baby section. Admiring all the adorable Christmas dresses, tiny baby shoes, little bows, and the cutest baby boy outfits. Tears filled my eyes.

Maybe this will be our month. Maybe this will be the month we get pregnant. Please God, we are ready when you are. Please God, send us a baby.

I know I am not alone. I know there are so many couples going through the same feelings. Wishing more then anything they had a family of their own. Praying for a miracle and for God to bless them with a baby. If you are saying yes in your head, please know you aren’t alone. I am sending you the biggest hugs.

Its that time of year. The holiday cheer, music and excitement fill the air. Seeing all the families going to pick out their Christmas trees, going to the holiday parades, family photos with their adorable babies, and all the other Christmas themed activities. For the infertile couple, we sit back and watch. We “Love” all your pictures that you post on social media. We seriously really do. Deep down though it hurts our heart, because we want that too. We are waiting for the day when we can go as a family to pick out a Christmas tree. When we can bundle up our family to go look at the lights. When we can hang out the extra stockings and get to fill them on Christmas morning. When we can do elf on the shelf (I know some parents are probably laughing and saying how annoying moving the elf is, but I can’t wait for that excitement.).

I can only imagine what Beau would be like today. We would be getting ready to celebrate his 2nd Christmas. He would be a year and 4 months old. Grief hits hard during the holidays. Missing him and what he would be like today. I sat and talked to God the other day. I cried. I let my mind get sad and angry. I asked God over and over, “Why did you have to take my baby?” “Why did my baby have to die?”.

I wipe away the tears, and remind myself that Beau is in a better place. He gets to celebrate Christmas in Heaven, what could be more magical then that. We still find ways to include Beau during the holidays. Last year we took a wreath out to the cemetery and he had a special rainbow ornament. This year we put his wreath back up and he got a new ornament with a cardinal on it. We hope to continue that tradition every year and have Beau get a new ornament.

This week had started out feeling so promising. Kory and I have been trying for another baby for over a year. We had such a good feeling about this month. We both had a glimpse of extra hope that this really might be the month. We said it would be a Christmas miracle and we couldn’t wait to be able to tell family again. Well God had different plans. I got my period. Every month we get our hopes up, we wait, we count the days after ovulation, we test, we search for that second line, convince ourselves that maybe its too early, then the cycle ends. We repeat that every month. Its draining, heartbreaking and emotional. This month was extra hard for me, and I still haven’t completely shaken it. I know it will be okay, and when God is ready to bless us with a baby, he will.

The last 7 years, we have hoped and prayed to be pregnant or to have a baby here with us for Christmas. We would sit in church on Christmas Eve and see all the adorable babies and toddlers. We would smile and wave, all while holding back our own tears. Each year gets harder and harder as we see that dream still in the distance. The wonder of when will it be our turn. We remind ourselves, its also okay to be sad and feel hurt in your heart. We also know that we have to pick ourselves back up again and keep pushing forward. We believe it will happen. God is faithful and will find a way to make things possible when there seems to be no way.

Keep the faith. To all of our friends who are still struggling with infertility, be gentle to yourselves this holiday season. It is okay to say no to gatherings if your heart is not okay. It is okay to take a moment and gather yourself if the tears start to fall. AND it is okay to cry, be sad and have all those feelings. You are loved and we are sending so many extra prayers to all of you. To our friends who have struggled and now have babies of their own or are currently pregnant, I know the holidays are still hard for you. It brings up so many feels, because you too have been in this spot before. You know what it is like to have that empty place in your heart waiting to be filled. You hug your babies even tighter during the holidays, because God knows you waited so long for that moment.

To our friends who are grieving the loss of a loved one this Christmas, my heart goes out to you. Whether your loss was recent or 10 years ago, it still hurts. You wish more then anything that person was here today. I wish that for you as well. Know that they are always near, look for the signs. It’s okay to talk to them and keep including them in your holiday celebrations. Be gentle on yourself, take it one day at a time.

We are wishing all of you a safe and healthy holiday season. Thank you for allowing Kory and I to continue to share our journey with all of you. We are so grateful for the continued prayers and love.

Merry Christmas.

All Our Love, Haylee and Kory